It was just a Holiday

There are verses in the Bible that talks about Hedonistic life.  Eat and be marry for tomorrow you will die and for some reason this got to my mind when I was having my Company paid holiday in Cyprus.  

I left my pregnant wife and lovely little boy in the afternoon of November 3, traveled to Leeds to meet a brother and sister in the community and a fellow consultant. (Oh I left a calling to attend a quarterly coordinators meeting as well with the YFC also to mention).   From Leeds we were picked up by a generous person who offer to give us a ride to Gatwick airport at around 11:00 pm on the same date. 

We got to the plane at around 7:00 am the next morning, traveled to Cyprus for 5 hours. Not having a single minute sleep all night, as soon as my back touched the passengers' seat, I was wasted.  Woken up by a hungry tummy up there somewhere, I decided to have a cup of coffee.  I had a in-flight "brewed" Starbucks coffee for £2.50 and if I am being honest my wife makes coffee hundred times better that ready mixed coffee poured into a little cup with color green label on.  I think it is disgusting to have a label like that and doesn't emulate the brand true service.

So at around 2:00 pm (Cyprus time +2 from GB)  we landed at Larnaca Airport.  I tell you what, even I was a little bit tired and still half asleep, that airport looks like alot better than the  NAIA, Philippines.( Sorry to say).  I walked out in this very lovely weather, nice and just about right temperature of 21 degrees Celsius.  The typical Cypriot language is like hearing Bisayan people I couldn't understand a thing but I couldn't careless.  I am in Cyprus what would I expect?  Its natural that they speak their language.  One thing is for sure, I am not in "Hartlepool coldy weather".  

From the airport, we have to traveled by a bus that the Hotel had arranged for us.  It was warm weather and it brought me back the times that I have to travel from Buendia to Batangas in an ordinary bus because that's all I can afford back then.  It was beginning to feel the warmness a little bit and sweat is starting to comedown under my armpit.  I don't want that to happen especially in a bus without air conditioning.  The bus driver drove for about half an hour in the tune of Greek music.  It wasn't that entertaining but better that nothing.

And there we arrived into this big hotel and in one of the televisions in the lobby says, welcome to The Golden bay Hotel, and I thought this is rather nice hotel. I was given the room number but when I got to my room, it was rather nice, the view was fantastic but the room was just average for a 5star hotel, I was expecting a little bit more.

6:00 pm that day and everyone is gathered outside having a cocktail party, I had a few shoots of local brandy and vodka.  It wasn't too bad. After that we went to get our most awaited dinner.  It was buffet and I suppose it is eat all you can and it is indeed.  I was bursting, I think I sinned there a little bit.  I was border line in gluttony.   

I had a very early night that night after having something to eat and a few shoots of brandy I head up to bed.

The next morning was "do your own thing" day.  I had my breakfast and joined with 3 people I originally traveled with. Lindon, Rowena, and Paul.  We rented a car and visited some places in the city.  Cyprus reminds of the ancient time when Romans and the Roman Empire is ruling the world.  Although it is a modern day city now, it has a feature of an old, historical city.  You can see them in their landscapes, their buildings and architectures, their culture.  It is not just a country of beaches and warm weather but a country with so much story to tell.  Their marina, that has been used transporting goods and modes of trading of the ancient times, their pottery products that originated way back 350AD.  This amazing part of the history is very close to my heart.

Back in the hotel the following day was business meeting and recognition of people who has done well in the business.  I was not called because I didn't do too well. I was sat there and thinking this people is very proud of themselves.  They are achievers, they have done extra mile in order to get there.  At the back of my mind was envious, I could do the same.  I can be like them.  I  could be achieving something too. But most of the time My alter ego will out-thought that thinking big time.  

Come the evening after the usual cocktail night, was a sumptuous meal with these people again.  And it was Italian menu, to be honest, my tummy was shouting he had enough so I just had a few little bits of the food and just head to the bar and ask for some brandy and coke.  The more I can get alcohol in my system, the more I can enjoy this last night of stay in this nice, lovely country.  

For the last four days of my stay in Cyprus, I experienced on how to enjoy the abundance of life in material way.  I was enjoying it.  The taste of the expensive wines, the top people in the business, the luxury hotel, the free accommodations, the warm weather, the lot.  I was beginning to think of the future.  I thought this was life.  It's about success, achievements, money, and lifestyle.

The following day, it's time to head home.  The hangover of this luxury holiday is still in my head and I was dreaming that someday, I could have the opportunity to take my family and be able to afford to give them the luxury of life that I have just experienced.  

The holiday has been a kind of experience, but after a week, I was at the CFC National Leaders' training and planning.  I don't know if this is a way of God reminding me of something.  While sat there listening to the talk, the sharing, and enjoying the company of my fellow leaders in the community  I had a realization and turned to be a reflection.

I was reminded of a life in secular world. I was reminded that, that holiday might have been fun and enjoying and luxurious and abundant but was it fulfilling?  Was there a sense of great joy after all?  I don't know.  I was not so sure.  Again, I am in a situation wherein I can't really acknowledge that there is a sense of joy from the experience yet again, I can't deny that It was a good experience.  

If I would analyze it, It was a bit of Hedonistic way of life.  The experience is telling me that while you are here, life should be enjoyed and should be maximized.  I totally agree.  Tomorrow we will die and our time is this earth will perish.  We will be forgotten, we will belong gone.  And sometimes, I was confronted of the reality that who cares after all when you are gone?  I am haunted of the answer that NO ONE probably would care.  I am nothing like president Obama who will be pictured and that memory will be hanged on the wall for years to come.  I am nobody and will not be remember.  So I have to enjoy life as it is seen now for tomorrow might be too late.

Yet this battle in my whole being is not resting.  My heart is not giving up without a fight.  

I will have so much experiences.  I will be confronted of so much challenges but I think, my heart will not tolerate to live a life without God.

I guess...Paid luxury holidays like this is good but I am constantly reminded that life is not about this, It is about going back to the basics and that is simplicity and love because God is simple and He is loving.

Have a good week ahead.

REPOST: New Year, New Challenges

(This is a re-post blog, I created at the end of 2010.  I was reading it again and I felt the need to share it one more time because I am so proud and blessed with this experience)

Year 2010 has been a struggle yet fruitful year for me and for my family. I would like to sum the whole experience into three important points.  1. I was blessed with a very good, understanding and forgiving wife. 2.   I was gifted with amazing friends.  3.  I realized that I was much stronger than I thought I was.

1.  I was blessed with a very good, understanding and forgiving wife.  Early this year I drifted into my past memories and caught in a hallucination of unreal, self deceiving relationship with my ex-girlfriend.  This matter has been going on for two months.  I was overwhelmed of the situation that I almost forgot, I made a lasting vow and promise to my wife.  I almost forgot, I am a husband and a father.  I must admit, I was weak. I must admit this caused my wife's heartache and distrust but I was strong and (trying to be) mature enough to admit my mistake and I was willing to do anything to start all over again.  This was a self awakening.  Tap on the shoulder. At first, I thought this was the end of my marriage.  I thought there was no second chance.  I was wrong.  I guess I under-estimated the capacity of my wife to love and to forgive.  She was truly a blessings.  I will always be thankful for God has given me a wonderful person to be with for the rest of my life.  To my wife, Riza, I would like to thank you so much for everything.  I love you. I would like to journey with you this year to come and for the rest of my life.

2.  I was gifted with amazing friends.  It's been 5 years since I came over England and in those 5 years, I have met and made friends with people.  I was very lucky to have really good friends.  I would say with out them my 2010 would have been a real struggle.  Coping probably is gonna be a concern. 

Great Britain and whole of Europe were hit by the global crisis.  We were hit badly.  Our economic status has been a real struggle.  Everyone was struggling.  I, would have been a self employed person, was affected by the recession.  My business just went down the drain that in the end I was forced to pack it in.  I lost money on that business venture. (Never mind, It could be worst).

Cost of living is still climbing up high.  The daily commodities, the rise on taxes, the petrol price increase and the exchange rate of pounds to peso added to everyone's burden.  It wasn't easy. 

Going through it has been a lot easier with good and generous friends around.  Truly, good friends are tested in times that you are in need.  I will forever be thankful and grateful for them. (to Valencia, Razon, Baldonasa, Latayan Families.  our 2010 was fruitful and a blessing because you guys had been massively became part of it.)

In the middle of the year, we were also blessed of having our own home.  We finally settled in our own house.  A place that we can call our own.  It can't have been too bad then.  A new house in the midst of the recession.  Yet again, KUDOS to the same friends and some other good friends who helped us to make it happen.  (Thanks to Ate Bing Atkinson and his Lovely husband Craig, thanks to Angelo and Vida, thanks to Manners and Harrison specially Paul our mortgage advisor, again thanks to Jehan and Monette, Mareng Jenny and Pareng Val, Adel and Mhy, Kuya Edgar and ate Lhyn, and to all my friends who, in one way or another had been part of our ups and downs, successes and failures, thank you so much.)

3.  I realized that I was stronger than I thought I was.  There were times that I wish I could change the struggles I and my family have been going through.  There were times when the burdens and pressures, and financial struggles were too much to handle, I felt like giving up.  I felt like I am drifting.  I felt like this was the end yet in the end that didn't happen.  Instead, I came back positive and fighting.  I learned to go back to the basic.  1. Things happen for a reason.  2.  Always be positive.  3.  Lean and trust God for everything will be fine. I wasn't wrong.  I am still here standing and fighting.  Hoping that the coming year will bring positive things to our lives.

This year, the last quarter of the year, I lost my job and yet again thanks to the goodness of God, I found one.  This quarter again, I and my family have become a member of Couples For Christ England.  I guess this is another blessing that my soul has been longing for so long.  Praise be to God.

There are loads of things I have been through this year, I made mistakes, business venture failed, financial struggles, etc and yet I am still holding on.  I am stronger than I thought I would be. 

My 2010 was a blessing.  I am very thankful.  I am very grateful. 

2011 is coming and another story on the pages of our lives will be written. I only wish that at the end of the year, I could share the joy and sadness, the success and failure, the laughter and crying, the good and the bad of the experiences which they will always be a manifestation  of the perfect Love of God. 

All the best for 2011 guys!  I pray that everyone may have the blessings they truly deserve.  Lets write another page in the dynamic history of our lives.  Happy New Year!!! I love You all!

N.B.  before I forgot, this year I quit smoking again.  Thank God for that!

Creating a Life from Failures

I have suffered so many disappointments in life and I still do.  I have often question why is it so hard to live a life the way you wanted it to be.

When I was a child, I grew up in so much hardships and forget to live the life as a child.  From the very young age, I thought playing is for rich kids alone.  I longed for my father to buy me a toy gun, new toy cars, new kites but it never happened.  I made my own version of those things I was longing.  I never question my dad because I know he will only say "because we don't have money son, sorry".

I studied with so little support from my parents, maybe because they are so busy feeding 10 more siblings.  They have no more time to sit with me and teach me my home works after school.  Actually, I myself didn't get to sit on my home work because after school I have to help them preparing all the things they are going to cook the next day.  ( My parent used to sell Cassava Cakes, Caramelised young Coconut, banana Q. Etc.)  I figured out that it was my obligation to help them because I am the eldest.  It is my responsibility.  But sadly, my studies were left aside.  (  I remember going to school 3 times a week and going to work with my dad for 4 days at very young age of 9.)

Then after so many years I have come to reflect on all my experiences in life, that question of why am I so frustrated in my failures in life?  Why is it so hard to sometimes deal with it and move on?  Why most of the time I felt so discourage and just pretend nothing had happened? Why am I always looking for someone or something to point my fingers at?  These real questions from time to time are confronting me.  It is sometimes hard to pretend that yes, they are real in my life and eating me alive.  It is actually destroying my being.  I was digging myself into a deeper hole and I felt stuck in it.  I felt so hopeless.

It is hard when you are 34 and you are looking to yourself and you have not achieved your possibilities in life. It hard to look and watch your contemporaries doing well in their lives. It is hard when you plan something and yet you can't achieve it.  It is hard you think you planned your life and it is getting ruined.  It is hard.

But looking and evaluating myself from the past experiences in my life, I discovered that it is all because of the way I was brought up.  (I am not blaming past now, I have overcome these, thanks God) I have less confidence because I have never been out there doing my own thing. I  have always been thinking and helping my family, my parents in particular.  I have never played any games when I was a kid, no wonder why I never excel in any sports.  I have never been given much responsibility in life, that's why I take responsibilities lightly.  I have never felt how to get high grades and good results on my educations, that's why I am no achiever.  NO WONDER I HAVE FAILED SO MANY TIME.

I guess, knowing yourself and knowing your past and linking them to your present is vital in rebuilding yourself.  It is important that you confront your history because that what makes who we are. It is necessary that we face our old selves and not avoiding them so that we could pick up little broken pieces and make ourselves whole again. Only when we managed to patch ourselves we could get healed.  Healing ourselves from the past is opening  new doors of the future for us.

I am on my way to rebuilding myself.  I am not quite there yet but I am determined to get there in the end.  It may take a life time but, I am willing to travel a life time in order to create myself from failures.

CHRISTIAN SERVICE: A Call for Submission

There are so many kinds service.  You can name them all.  Working as a volunteer is a service.  Being clean and green concious is a service.  Even just preparing the wife's meal before she goes home is a brilliant service. Everyone can do this.  Even pagan and people who don't believe in God can do this.  But how does this differ from the Christian service?

1.  Christian service is simply centred with Christ.  This is one of the differences on the other services we mentioned above.  They are brilliant services.  Helping others in one way or another is a very noble mission that everyone can do and ought to do.  But this varies in purpose.  People serve just because they are seeking self satisfactions.  Others see this an opportunity to just simply do good.

     But Christian service is not self seeking.  It is in fact self denouncing.  When serving, you have to forget about yourself and be renewed and born again to do this.  We serve not because we want to seek personal happiness and satisfaction but to glorify God.  And when service requires this, there should be a submission.

WE ARE CALLED TO SUBMIT.When we accept the challenge and God anoints us as leaders, we embrace the reality of being a servants.  We then become like the disciples.  They follow Jesus and yet they have to be reborn, forget their very own selves and take up the cross of the mission as followers of Jesus.  Peter was a fisherman before he was called and he was transformed from his old self to a become the first pope of Christ's Church.

SUBMISSION means that we are ready not just to submit to God but we are READY TO CONSULT GOD in every plans we have.  Service to others should be pleasing to the Lord so does require God's blessings.  God's blessings can only be attained if we let Him know.  We ask Him and we let Him decide.  Most of the time, we think we are serving God but ended of pleasing ourselves.  We are tempted to plan things and do things according to our own will.  This is very dangerous, because if we do this we prone to so many DISAPPOINTMENTS.  We can fail and not seeing the goodness of failing.  If we don't consult God and we fail, we become frustrated and eventually quit in serving God.

SUBMISSION also means BEING OPEN TO THE PROMPTING OF THE HOLY SPIRIT.  Being sensitive to the changes of plans made by the Lord is one of the greatest characters of a good servant leaders.  We let the Holy Spirit works and let Him hones and purify our plans.  If we can do this we can always believe that our plans will always succeed.

and Lastly,  SUBMISSION is DOING GOD'S WILL.  We may have been chosen to serve but we have to remember that this is service and service is not a privilege.  It's a mission.  We are called to do all the challenges. It will never be easy, it will never be a walk in park but it will glorify God.  For God never gave us the easy road but the hardest because there is no one asked to enter the kingdom of God unless they have gone through this.  Moses was promised of the promise land, but never get there.  Mary was promised to be a mother of God but had to suffer from motherly emotional roller coaster.  San Lorenzo Ruiz believed in salvation with God and let his life be the prize on that belief.  Challenges will always be on your way but if you submit and trust His will and follow it, you will reap the greatest reward of all.  -A promise ETERNAL LIFE with the Father.

Have a GOOD DAY everyone.

In the Midst of All Challenges

        I am normally pretty good in handling situations in my life.  Things that are hard are normally challenging and yet, I normally come out on top of it.  There are times that I can't and I gave up, I have given up and yet I feel so contented for I know that things are beyond my self capability.  These things and situations don't bother me much, don't affect me much.  I was humble enough to accept that there are things and situations that are beyond my control.

       I am confronted with so much things, emotional challenges, faith, self confidence etc.  For the last few days I was bothered.  There are sleepless nights.  There self searching.  There are so much prayers.  There are doubts. I don't really know what to do.

      I often asked, "did God really call me to be part of His great design of evangelising people?"  "Am I really capable of doing things like this?"  "Why am I hunted with doubts, with dis-self belief?"  "why would no one be there and help me?" I am weak and frail.  I am lost.

     There are too many questions that challenge me and my faith.  I am giving up.  I am losing the will to move forward.  I am confronted with my fear and doubts, and so on. I know I have the BIG GOD that won all the challenges in my life.  I know I have a BIG GOD that carry me in times I am weak and helpless. I know that GOD never abandons me. Yet again, I couldn't help myself but to convince myself again and again and  make my self feel and believe that what I know is real.

     When walking inside a dark tunnel and no one to turn to, what would you do?  When there seems no assurance that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, what would you do?  I don't know.  All I can think off is cling on to prayers.  I think, this moment in time, I need more of this. I could do with others praying for me as well.

     Lets us pray together:

     In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and Of the Holy Spirit.

     Father in heaven, you are the source of all strength.  You have won the most difficult challenge in life when you die on that cross.  Father, I am asking you to just take away all this burdens in my heart.  Please inspire me ones again so I would not lay my sword down.  Please spare from all the doubts and worries about You and about myself.  Please be with me all the time father.  I ask this in Jesus name.  Amen.

   

Journey Beyond Expected.

(written on 12th of August 2011, 2:00 P.M., Gatwick airport)

Today is supposed to be the day we are flying from Luton airport to Geneva for a 3-day conference for Couples for Christ 16th Euro-Conference.  We are supposed to be abour to lay down on our cosy bed in the Hotel we booked as our dwelling place for the next three nights.  I am supposed to be watching some French news on the television or something.  But this has dramatically changed. 

I am now sat in a bench in the middle of nowhere in the heart of Gatwick airport.  Yeah.  I said it right.  Gatwick Airport.  Now you might be wondering how on earth I/we ended up in Gatwick airport?  Here is the real very interesting story.  We set off from Hartlepool yesterday to Luton.  We booked a night stay in one of the Hotel nearby this is to make sure that we won’t be late for our flight the next morning.  We arrived in the Hotel at approximately 9:00 pm.  A bit late but just in time to finally head ourselves to rest (ofcourse we had something to eat before going to bed in case you were wondering.).  For some reason I can’t find my head round my pillow.  So I was much awake most of the night.  Though tired of driving and no sleep, I got myself up exactly 4:00 a.m.. My alarm clock dictated me to get up.   At around 4:30 a.m.,  we are all finally ready to set off to the Park and Ride we booked for our cars.  Satnav were all set, off I went.  I was confidently cruising when suddenly my satnav didn’t manage to pick up road changes so I was lost.  I can’t find a way to get round to where we were going to.  It was a panic, a pressure was building up.  I was starting to worry.  Anyway, in God’s grace I manage to full back and head to where I wanted to be.  I was once on track.  At around 5:30 a.m. I arrived at the place.  I breathed the sigh of relief.  But when you think everything is going to be fine when another problem strikes.  The drivers of the bus who supposed to be taking us to the airport were in their hand over.  And the driver dropped a bomb shell.  He can’t take us to the airport till 6:20 a.m.  I said he must be kidding me.  Our flight is due to close in 6:30 a.m.  Taking into account the journey from the park n ride, it is going to be 15-20 minutes.  Clearly, there will be no chance I will be getting there on time to check myself in.  So the expected thing happened, we were there about 20 minutes late to the chick-in closing time.  As expected, Easyjet won’t let us check-in (kesyo late na kami, close na ang checking-in, blah blah blah).  They turned deaf to our plea to atleast hear our explanation.  But nah, you are late, go to the asy jet “help desk” and they will sort them out.  And yes they did.  We were charged another 50 pounds each to transfer our flight to the next available flight and that is the next morning and guess what?  It’s in Gatwick airport.  Brilliant.  Brilliant.  Brilliant.

So that’s it, that’s the real story behind why I am suddenly in Gatwick where I was supposed to be in Luton. 

Travelling with a kid and a couple of suitcases was not easy.  I felt the exhaustion of the whole day frustrations, tiredness, hunger etc.  I began to lose myself to temper.  My mood began to change.  My personal composure was totally gone.  I thought, this is too much and this will never happen again.  The thought of “this could have been avoided”, “if we could have set off earlier” “this is another massive expenses on top of the draining budget” were beginning to shatter me down.  I was beginning to hate this travel. 

I was knocked on my wall and defences.

Thinking all of my whole day experience, my colleagues’ experiences, I realized something that is essential.  Later through the day, something had happened to myself.  I came to a conclusion that we have been brought to this situations to test how far we can go.  And I am happy to know that everytime we were tried to be knocked down we fought back and we won.  We are winning.

We are going to the European Conference of the Couples for Christ and the team of this year is “Put on the Armour of God.” Ephesian 6:11.  Isn’t it just timely that on our way to attend this, thinking we are God’s army and we are all ready to face the battle to defend our faith, to fight for our God, we were tested to our very own limits?  God might be thinking (being a good God as He is) “shall I test these army of mine and see if they can defend their threshold, see if they can uphold through the storm of pressures and challenges”?

To this time I can claim God is rejoicing for we are not giving up.  We must have been shaken.  I knew Bro.  Bong might have felt frustrations (though he didn’t show it much) also.  I was certainly brought down but came back up, Bro. Adel was struck right to his very own weaknesses but never gave up.  I think as the flights goes near, we are winning.  We can claim that we never let our God down. 

In line with this realisation, three major lessons have learned. 

1.  God is good that He is good enough to use circumstances to let you know that He exists.  My whole day experience was clouded by different emotions but as I retire towards the end of the day, I certainly believe that this day was made for a reason.  I met a very kind person in the name of Tita Eleanor, I talked to great people along the way, and I’ve managed to purify myself and to how I wanted to be in this conference.  That this is not about me, not about my family, not about my friends but this is about God and it is God alone.
2.  Prayer is everything. I was thinking, If we would have started the day with the prayer, this could have been different.  Leaving the hotel and straight to the road without prayer was a big mistake.  The initial defence to protect ourselves towards evil deeds was neglected.  We let ourselves exposed to all evil spirit lingering about and so the evils ones tried.  I strongly suggest, never ever give that defence up.  That is powerful.  If we are rooted and connected to our Greater Link, then everything would have been a lot easier, emotions might have been controlled, patience might have been stretched.  Nothing would be done if we always rely on our own self.  This journey, as I realized, is supposed to be journey for God and yet we didn’t even trusted Him to take care this journey.  We forgot to entrust and surrender to Him everything.
3.  Be a Captain of each other.  Supporting one another is very vital.  In times that one is down we need someone pushing him back up.   By doing this, we don’t lose our focus.  We can be knocked down many times.  As many as the evil pleases him to do but if we stand strong side by side with each other we build a stronghold that will never be shaken even.  If one of us gave up and said, the journey ends here, then the rest of us might have given up as well.  The battle might have been fought but lost.

This is when I realized what the community is all about.  CFC is not just about being in the organization, or being part of the community.  But in times like this, you realized that community is all you have.  Support is vital.  You may journey yourself towards God, but I would say, it will never be enough.  We need (in my case I need) person, people to support us, encouraging us to get up when we are falling, when we are about to give up, when we are about to lose everything. 

That experience made me realized that we are all in this together. 

At the end, I could say that we can still shout and chant :

                “ We are armed and ready and we will fight for God’s greater glory.”

My First EuroCon: Letting God be the Prime Mover

My study of Philosophy taught me the principle of the PRIME MOVER by Aristotle.  This is a philosophical notion of the existence of God. The Prime Mover to Aristotle is the first of all substances, the necessary first sources of movement which is itself unmoved. It is a being with everlasting life, and in Metaphysics Aristotle also calls this being ‘God.  But, looking at Aristotle’s notion the existence of God, this drives me to believe that it is not just the PRIME MOVER that causes the movement but the final end, the purpose of the movement.  Aristotle believes that movement will only be none directional if there is no purpose.  This Philosophical reality taught me that everything happens for a reason. That there are purposes why things happen only when we let the Prime Mover move things his ways.

Summing up the whole experience in the 2011 CFC Euro-conference in Geneva, It was SELF RENEWING, SELF FULFILLING, AND AN EXPERIENCE of A LIFE TIME. Kudos to the brothers and sisters in CFC Switzerland for letting us experience the hospitality of Filipino-Swiss people.

        SELF RENEWING.  My life since I left the seminary 11 years ago seemed to go nowhere.  I was so accustomed to the secular world that I was living in my confortable day to day life.  To the extent that I acknowledge that sinning is just part of the existence, that God is just there whenever I need him, that I don’t need community in order to fulfil my life’s mission.  That I could do everything on my own power with the less inference from God.  I was self-centred.  I even justify that not going to the church on Sundays is not bad at all.  Reading bible seemed not my life anymore.  And praying and repenting are for the sinners alone.

         Joining CFC is a major step forward in my life as a person, as a husband, as a father.  Like Bro. Ian shared in talk 5, I was once a lost sheep and brought back to the herd.  I was blessed to be back.  I begin to enjoy life again.  I love to be with my family.  I love to enjoy the company of my son and my wife (though sometimes we fall as human as we are, but we believe that we are improving in our relationship and making God as the centre of our lives).  I also enjoy the presence of my bros and sis in the community.  I met new friends, I appreciate other people sacrifices, I learned so many things in so many sharing and life witnessing. 

       This CFC Euro-conference brought new learnings.  God is speaking in so many ways.  Satan on the hand is trying hard to prevent me hearing what God wants me to do.  But God is so victorious that He is continuously defeating evil.  God tested our patience on the very beginning of this journey.  The evil one recognises how vulnerable I am to be the centre of his evil designed plans to test the whole group.  I was in a constant struggle.  I was critical, I was aberrant.  But when you let God to take control of everything and be submissive, you will then realize that everything will be fine.  That you will see God’s working hand touching the situations that you think are unpleasant and discouraging.  In so many circumstances, and situations all throughout this journey, I was beginning to doubt myself and this community.  In so many occasions, I was thinking why the hell I am here. As human as I am and as young in the community as I am, I was experiencing beyond my expectations and Satan is using that disappointment and frustrations to knock me on my threshold.  But with the help, understanding and God’s providence the journey has ended and in my solitude, I begin to reflect how this experience helped me to be a better person.  I begin to trace God’s good designs in those experiences.  I realized the innumerable blessings I received and God allowed me to enjoy. 

       Satan will never win.  On our way home Bro.  Bong told me.  The evil one was trying to prevent you to receive the blessings in attending the Conference, now that he lost that battle against God, he will now then try to take away that blessings from you after the conference.  True enough that struggles won’t stop there.  It will always be around.  Satan will do everything to win us over God.  He enjoys seeing people of God being shattered by his lured activities.  But Satan will never be triumphant as long as we go back to Christ and we redirect ourselves in God’s plan.  “the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3. Even we fall and be unfaithful most of the time, God is always faithful and will never abandon us.

       SELF FULLFILLING.  I brought just myself and my faith in this conference  though I travelled with my young family (wife and kid),my friends, and my community.  I was blessed that God allow me to fill empty spaces in me.  I am brought to learning that I have a life that is not to complain in England.  I have a family to cherish and I have a wonderful community to grow with.  Realising that my journey to know God and to grow in Christ is everybody’s journey in the community gives me the assurance that I am not alone in this aspiration.  That across the countries, my brothers and sisters are facing the same journey and we are all praying to overcome the battle. Self-reassuring that our fight to bring Christ to other families across the world is moving forward.

       There are comrades in battle to fight for God.  The war against evil is always there and our full armour should always be worn.  Let us all be armed and ready to fight for God, for we are God’s army.  We are his people the defender of God’s kingdom.

         AN EXPERIENCE OF A LIFE TIME.  Meeting new brothers and sisters in Christ is an experience of a life time.  Kudos to Tito Elmer and his family, Kuya Nep and his lovely wife, and Kuya Art and Ate Celeste, Bro. Pete and the lovely wife and wonderful dancer and to all whom I never had the chance to shake hands with.  The presence of God’s love in your hearts inspires people like me to carry on seeking God’s plan, seeking of what God want us to do.  Your kindness and generosity are manifestations of God’s never ending love and kindness.  Thanks to our Geneva CFC Family. 

          Yes. Geneva is a wonderful place, would have been better if prices of commodities are a little bit cheaper and if we could understand and speak a little bit of French but none the less I had a wonderful time.  My visit to Geneva and France opened a bigger Horizon.  This made me realize things to appreciate about in my life in England.  This also brought me to experience for real the piece of the history that I used to read and teach to my students.  Lyon France was a real experience of the significant history both in the world and in the church. My heart is praising God for allowing and gracing this experience to happen.  To God be the Glory.

      In the end, I could say God is a winner on my 1St Euro Conference.  The Lord is my fortress, my stronghold.  Let God be the vanguard of my defence in the battle and His shining armour be my cloth.  In trusting Him, everything will be triumphant.  Angels in heaven will play their harps and they will be singing with joy for the Lord is King and the saviour of his people.  He is the reason why everything turned to be victorious.  He is prime mover.  May God be praised.

I don't Wanna Be Like Dad Anymore.

My dad was and is my hero.  I loved my dad and I always wanted to be like him, simple, humble, and kung magmahal, it's always unconditional.  He was a great provider.  A great father.  I wanted to be just like him.

NOW I DON'T!

Smoking looks cool.  That's what I used to think when I was a  little.  This is what a grown-ups do.  Get one stick, lit it and there you go, smoke puffing in and out your mouth.  Cool! In fact, very cool.

At young age, seeing my dad doing the most coolest thing in the world ( so I thought) seemed brilliant.  At the back of your mind you dreamed that someday.  I wanted to do that as well. 

Years had gone passed, this little kid became a boy.  Circumstances changed but my dad's "cool" habbit didn't change.  He was smoking same amount of cigarettes as far as I can remeber.  It might be more.   CHAMPION.  This was his brand.  My dad liked menthol.  I don't know why, may be because this was the cheapest at that time.

All those years, I still thought, smoking is still "cool".  I still got this dream that I wanted to be like dad- smoking.  At the age of 13 I began doing it.  I used to sneak in and look for my dad's ciggies, and steal one of them.  Hiding at the back yard, away from everybody else I was puffing my first ever taste of "coolness" and I tell you what, It was really "cool".  "Cool" because first it was menthol, and second, I was doing it behind everybody's back.  I felt false sense of fulfillment.  A false sense of achievement.  The first was followed by second and countless numbers  of sticks and  packets of cigarettes.  Half of my dinner/snack money was spent buying cigarettes.  I was doing this without my mum and dad's knowledge.

My smoking habbit has been stopped when I entered college.  Well, I should say regulated coz I did have some occasionally. It was only because we were not allowed to smoke.  I was illegal.  School's policy. It was in the handbook.  Breaking it only meant one thing.  Severe punishments.  (if you got caught, you will atleast have to do  some explaining through PUBLIC APOLOGY.)

College life is over so as the rules, the handbook and the threat of punishments.  The illegal becomes legal.  The hidden, can be revealed now.  I can smoke without hiding at the "veranda" in late nights. I could smoke infront of my dad and mum now.  And there It was, the old habbit came back in full blown.  I was inhaling like a chimney. 

In 2001, my dad was diagnose with tumor in his lungs.  He was advised for treatment and medications.  But my dad's commitment in his job and his love for smoking pushed him to refuse the doctor's sdvise.  He wanted to convince himself that he wasn't ill.  He was strong and fit, able to do what he wanted to do.  My dad was stubborn and hard headed.

In my silence, I knew for a fact that my dad was seriously ill.  He was caughing blood all the time.  I caught him loads of times washing his handkerchiefs just to hide the bloods from us.  He was on denial.  He was probably scared too but didnt want to show that to me and to the rest of the family or maybe he was thinking the cost of his medication as well.  Surely It won't be cheap, even he worked twice as hard it wont even cover the hospital charges and doctor's fees.  I think that was his main concern.  I must admit, If I were in his shoes I would have done the same.  With 11 kids 3 of them were in college, 4 in high school, and some more in elementary, I'm sure he was thinking these kids first and foremost  before himself.  He made himself a sacrifice.  The moment he decided that he won't be getting the treatment I knew he took that painful journey of death.  But he never complained.  He took them in silence.  And in may 2002,on the month of flowers, my dad bid his goodbye.  A beautiful soul rest in peace.  My dad...a wonderful dad...died with lung cancer!

Then I thought, smoking has never been cool.  It killed my dad and it's  on the process of killing me.  I just didn't realize it or I choose not to.  I ignored that fact for a very long time. 

Eight years has gone since my dad left.  I still miss him. I still believed that he was the best dad ever.  But now, I dont wanna be like him anymore.  I don't want to die at 52.  I don't want to live and die in painful silence.  My son, Adrien, is growing up, I dont want him thinking smoking is "cool".  I don't want him pinching one of my tabs and hiding at the back garden smoking my cigarettes.  I dont want him spending 16 years of his life before he could realize that smoking is not cool at all.  I don't want him to dream to be like me.

At the time this blog is written I am committed as ever to quit smoking.  I started my journey 6 days ago, I know It's hard.  Actually It's harder than I thought It would be.  The cravings are just too much, the headaches, the temper, all of them are just terrible.  My poor wife is getting all of these.  My poor son is getting shouted at more often.  My struggles to control my temper at work.  All of these only for one reason.  I DON'T WANNA BE LIKE MY DAD ANYMORE.  And my dad, wherever he is now, I'm sure 100% he would be proud of me. 

with the help of God's intervening hand.  I will get out of this.  I will stop smoking.