In the Midst of All Challenges

        I am normally pretty good in handling situations in my life.  Things that are hard are normally challenging and yet, I normally come out on top of it.  There are times that I can't and I gave up, I have given up and yet I feel so contented for I know that things are beyond my self capability.  These things and situations don't bother me much, don't affect me much.  I was humble enough to accept that there are things and situations that are beyond my control.

       I am confronted with so much things, emotional challenges, faith, self confidence etc.  For the last few days I was bothered.  There are sleepless nights.  There self searching.  There are so much prayers.  There are doubts. I don't really know what to do.

      I often asked, "did God really call me to be part of His great design of evangelising people?"  "Am I really capable of doing things like this?"  "Why am I hunted with doubts, with dis-self belief?"  "why would no one be there and help me?" I am weak and frail.  I am lost.

     There are too many questions that challenge me and my faith.  I am giving up.  I am losing the will to move forward.  I am confronted with my fear and doubts, and so on. I know I have the BIG GOD that won all the challenges in my life.  I know I have a BIG GOD that carry me in times I am weak and helpless. I know that GOD never abandons me. Yet again, I couldn't help myself but to convince myself again and again and  make my self feel and believe that what I know is real.

     When walking inside a dark tunnel and no one to turn to, what would you do?  When there seems no assurance that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, what would you do?  I don't know.  All I can think off is cling on to prayers.  I think, this moment in time, I need more of this. I could do with others praying for me as well.

     Lets us pray together:

     In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and Of the Holy Spirit.

     Father in heaven, you are the source of all strength.  You have won the most difficult challenge in life when you die on that cross.  Father, I am asking you to just take away all this burdens in my heart.  Please inspire me ones again so I would not lay my sword down.  Please spare from all the doubts and worries about You and about myself.  Please be with me all the time father.  I ask this in Jesus name.  Amen.

   

Journey Beyond Expected.

(written on 12th of August 2011, 2:00 P.M., Gatwick airport)

Today is supposed to be the day we are flying from Luton airport to Geneva for a 3-day conference for Couples for Christ 16th Euro-Conference.  We are supposed to be abour to lay down on our cosy bed in the Hotel we booked as our dwelling place for the next three nights.  I am supposed to be watching some French news on the television or something.  But this has dramatically changed. 

I am now sat in a bench in the middle of nowhere in the heart of Gatwick airport.  Yeah.  I said it right.  Gatwick Airport.  Now you might be wondering how on earth I/we ended up in Gatwick airport?  Here is the real very interesting story.  We set off from Hartlepool yesterday to Luton.  We booked a night stay in one of the Hotel nearby this is to make sure that we won’t be late for our flight the next morning.  We arrived in the Hotel at approximately 9:00 pm.  A bit late but just in time to finally head ourselves to rest (ofcourse we had something to eat before going to bed in case you were wondering.).  For some reason I can’t find my head round my pillow.  So I was much awake most of the night.  Though tired of driving and no sleep, I got myself up exactly 4:00 a.m.. My alarm clock dictated me to get up.   At around 4:30 a.m.,  we are all finally ready to set off to the Park and Ride we booked for our cars.  Satnav were all set, off I went.  I was confidently cruising when suddenly my satnav didn’t manage to pick up road changes so I was lost.  I can’t find a way to get round to where we were going to.  It was a panic, a pressure was building up.  I was starting to worry.  Anyway, in God’s grace I manage to full back and head to where I wanted to be.  I was once on track.  At around 5:30 a.m. I arrived at the place.  I breathed the sigh of relief.  But when you think everything is going to be fine when another problem strikes.  The drivers of the bus who supposed to be taking us to the airport were in their hand over.  And the driver dropped a bomb shell.  He can’t take us to the airport till 6:20 a.m.  I said he must be kidding me.  Our flight is due to close in 6:30 a.m.  Taking into account the journey from the park n ride, it is going to be 15-20 minutes.  Clearly, there will be no chance I will be getting there on time to check myself in.  So the expected thing happened, we were there about 20 minutes late to the chick-in closing time.  As expected, Easyjet won’t let us check-in (kesyo late na kami, close na ang checking-in, blah blah blah).  They turned deaf to our plea to atleast hear our explanation.  But nah, you are late, go to the asy jet “help desk” and they will sort them out.  And yes they did.  We were charged another 50 pounds each to transfer our flight to the next available flight and that is the next morning and guess what?  It’s in Gatwick airport.  Brilliant.  Brilliant.  Brilliant.

So that’s it, that’s the real story behind why I am suddenly in Gatwick where I was supposed to be in Luton. 

Travelling with a kid and a couple of suitcases was not easy.  I felt the exhaustion of the whole day frustrations, tiredness, hunger etc.  I began to lose myself to temper.  My mood began to change.  My personal composure was totally gone.  I thought, this is too much and this will never happen again.  The thought of “this could have been avoided”, “if we could have set off earlier” “this is another massive expenses on top of the draining budget” were beginning to shatter me down.  I was beginning to hate this travel. 

I was knocked on my wall and defences.

Thinking all of my whole day experience, my colleagues’ experiences, I realized something that is essential.  Later through the day, something had happened to myself.  I came to a conclusion that we have been brought to this situations to test how far we can go.  And I am happy to know that everytime we were tried to be knocked down we fought back and we won.  We are winning.

We are going to the European Conference of the Couples for Christ and the team of this year is “Put on the Armour of God.” Ephesian 6:11.  Isn’t it just timely that on our way to attend this, thinking we are God’s army and we are all ready to face the battle to defend our faith, to fight for our God, we were tested to our very own limits?  God might be thinking (being a good God as He is) “shall I test these army of mine and see if they can defend their threshold, see if they can uphold through the storm of pressures and challenges”?

To this time I can claim God is rejoicing for we are not giving up.  We must have been shaken.  I knew Bro.  Bong might have felt frustrations (though he didn’t show it much) also.  I was certainly brought down but came back up, Bro. Adel was struck right to his very own weaknesses but never gave up.  I think as the flights goes near, we are winning.  We can claim that we never let our God down. 

In line with this realisation, three major lessons have learned. 

1.  God is good that He is good enough to use circumstances to let you know that He exists.  My whole day experience was clouded by different emotions but as I retire towards the end of the day, I certainly believe that this day was made for a reason.  I met a very kind person in the name of Tita Eleanor, I talked to great people along the way, and I’ve managed to purify myself and to how I wanted to be in this conference.  That this is not about me, not about my family, not about my friends but this is about God and it is God alone.
2.  Prayer is everything. I was thinking, If we would have started the day with the prayer, this could have been different.  Leaving the hotel and straight to the road without prayer was a big mistake.  The initial defence to protect ourselves towards evil deeds was neglected.  We let ourselves exposed to all evil spirit lingering about and so the evils ones tried.  I strongly suggest, never ever give that defence up.  That is powerful.  If we are rooted and connected to our Greater Link, then everything would have been a lot easier, emotions might have been controlled, patience might have been stretched.  Nothing would be done if we always rely on our own self.  This journey, as I realized, is supposed to be journey for God and yet we didn’t even trusted Him to take care this journey.  We forgot to entrust and surrender to Him everything.
3.  Be a Captain of each other.  Supporting one another is very vital.  In times that one is down we need someone pushing him back up.   By doing this, we don’t lose our focus.  We can be knocked down many times.  As many as the evil pleases him to do but if we stand strong side by side with each other we build a stronghold that will never be shaken even.  If one of us gave up and said, the journey ends here, then the rest of us might have given up as well.  The battle might have been fought but lost.

This is when I realized what the community is all about.  CFC is not just about being in the organization, or being part of the community.  But in times like this, you realized that community is all you have.  Support is vital.  You may journey yourself towards God, but I would say, it will never be enough.  We need (in my case I need) person, people to support us, encouraging us to get up when we are falling, when we are about to give up, when we are about to lose everything. 

That experience made me realized that we are all in this together. 

At the end, I could say that we can still shout and chant :

                “ We are armed and ready and we will fight for God’s greater glory.”

My First EuroCon: Letting God be the Prime Mover

My study of Philosophy taught me the principle of the PRIME MOVER by Aristotle.  This is a philosophical notion of the existence of God. The Prime Mover to Aristotle is the first of all substances, the necessary first sources of movement which is itself unmoved. It is a being with everlasting life, and in Metaphysics Aristotle also calls this being ‘God.  But, looking at Aristotle’s notion the existence of God, this drives me to believe that it is not just the PRIME MOVER that causes the movement but the final end, the purpose of the movement.  Aristotle believes that movement will only be none directional if there is no purpose.  This Philosophical reality taught me that everything happens for a reason. That there are purposes why things happen only when we let the Prime Mover move things his ways.

Summing up the whole experience in the 2011 CFC Euro-conference in Geneva, It was SELF RENEWING, SELF FULFILLING, AND AN EXPERIENCE of A LIFE TIME. Kudos to the brothers and sisters in CFC Switzerland for letting us experience the hospitality of Filipino-Swiss people.

        SELF RENEWING.  My life since I left the seminary 11 years ago seemed to go nowhere.  I was so accustomed to the secular world that I was living in my confortable day to day life.  To the extent that I acknowledge that sinning is just part of the existence, that God is just there whenever I need him, that I don’t need community in order to fulfil my life’s mission.  That I could do everything on my own power with the less inference from God.  I was self-centred.  I even justify that not going to the church on Sundays is not bad at all.  Reading bible seemed not my life anymore.  And praying and repenting are for the sinners alone.

         Joining CFC is a major step forward in my life as a person, as a husband, as a father.  Like Bro. Ian shared in talk 5, I was once a lost sheep and brought back to the herd.  I was blessed to be back.  I begin to enjoy life again.  I love to be with my family.  I love to enjoy the company of my son and my wife (though sometimes we fall as human as we are, but we believe that we are improving in our relationship and making God as the centre of our lives).  I also enjoy the presence of my bros and sis in the community.  I met new friends, I appreciate other people sacrifices, I learned so many things in so many sharing and life witnessing. 

       This CFC Euro-conference brought new learnings.  God is speaking in so many ways.  Satan on the hand is trying hard to prevent me hearing what God wants me to do.  But God is so victorious that He is continuously defeating evil.  God tested our patience on the very beginning of this journey.  The evil one recognises how vulnerable I am to be the centre of his evil designed plans to test the whole group.  I was in a constant struggle.  I was critical, I was aberrant.  But when you let God to take control of everything and be submissive, you will then realize that everything will be fine.  That you will see God’s working hand touching the situations that you think are unpleasant and discouraging.  In so many circumstances, and situations all throughout this journey, I was beginning to doubt myself and this community.  In so many occasions, I was thinking why the hell I am here. As human as I am and as young in the community as I am, I was experiencing beyond my expectations and Satan is using that disappointment and frustrations to knock me on my threshold.  But with the help, understanding and God’s providence the journey has ended and in my solitude, I begin to reflect how this experience helped me to be a better person.  I begin to trace God’s good designs in those experiences.  I realized the innumerable blessings I received and God allowed me to enjoy. 

       Satan will never win.  On our way home Bro.  Bong told me.  The evil one was trying to prevent you to receive the blessings in attending the Conference, now that he lost that battle against God, he will now then try to take away that blessings from you after the conference.  True enough that struggles won’t stop there.  It will always be around.  Satan will do everything to win us over God.  He enjoys seeing people of God being shattered by his lured activities.  But Satan will never be triumphant as long as we go back to Christ and we redirect ourselves in God’s plan.  “the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3. Even we fall and be unfaithful most of the time, God is always faithful and will never abandon us.

       SELF FULLFILLING.  I brought just myself and my faith in this conference  though I travelled with my young family (wife and kid),my friends, and my community.  I was blessed that God allow me to fill empty spaces in me.  I am brought to learning that I have a life that is not to complain in England.  I have a family to cherish and I have a wonderful community to grow with.  Realising that my journey to know God and to grow in Christ is everybody’s journey in the community gives me the assurance that I am not alone in this aspiration.  That across the countries, my brothers and sisters are facing the same journey and we are all praying to overcome the battle. Self-reassuring that our fight to bring Christ to other families across the world is moving forward.

       There are comrades in battle to fight for God.  The war against evil is always there and our full armour should always be worn.  Let us all be armed and ready to fight for God, for we are God’s army.  We are his people the defender of God’s kingdom.

         AN EXPERIENCE OF A LIFE TIME.  Meeting new brothers and sisters in Christ is an experience of a life time.  Kudos to Tito Elmer and his family, Kuya Nep and his lovely wife, and Kuya Art and Ate Celeste, Bro. Pete and the lovely wife and wonderful dancer and to all whom I never had the chance to shake hands with.  The presence of God’s love in your hearts inspires people like me to carry on seeking God’s plan, seeking of what God want us to do.  Your kindness and generosity are manifestations of God’s never ending love and kindness.  Thanks to our Geneva CFC Family. 

          Yes. Geneva is a wonderful place, would have been better if prices of commodities are a little bit cheaper and if we could understand and speak a little bit of French but none the less I had a wonderful time.  My visit to Geneva and France opened a bigger Horizon.  This made me realize things to appreciate about in my life in England.  This also brought me to experience for real the piece of the history that I used to read and teach to my students.  Lyon France was a real experience of the significant history both in the world and in the church. My heart is praising God for allowing and gracing this experience to happen.  To God be the Glory.

      In the end, I could say God is a winner on my 1St Euro Conference.  The Lord is my fortress, my stronghold.  Let God be the vanguard of my defence in the battle and His shining armour be my cloth.  In trusting Him, everything will be triumphant.  Angels in heaven will play their harps and they will be singing with joy for the Lord is King and the saviour of his people.  He is the reason why everything turned to be victorious.  He is prime mover.  May God be praised.

I don't Wanna Be Like Dad Anymore.

My dad was and is my hero.  I loved my dad and I always wanted to be like him, simple, humble, and kung magmahal, it's always unconditional.  He was a great provider.  A great father.  I wanted to be just like him.

NOW I DON'T!

Smoking looks cool.  That's what I used to think when I was a  little.  This is what a grown-ups do.  Get one stick, lit it and there you go, smoke puffing in and out your mouth.  Cool! In fact, very cool.

At young age, seeing my dad doing the most coolest thing in the world ( so I thought) seemed brilliant.  At the back of your mind you dreamed that someday.  I wanted to do that as well. 

Years had gone passed, this little kid became a boy.  Circumstances changed but my dad's "cool" habbit didn't change.  He was smoking same amount of cigarettes as far as I can remeber.  It might be more.   CHAMPION.  This was his brand.  My dad liked menthol.  I don't know why, may be because this was the cheapest at that time.

All those years, I still thought, smoking is still "cool".  I still got this dream that I wanted to be like dad- smoking.  At the age of 13 I began doing it.  I used to sneak in and look for my dad's ciggies, and steal one of them.  Hiding at the back yard, away from everybody else I was puffing my first ever taste of "coolness" and I tell you what, It was really "cool".  "Cool" because first it was menthol, and second, I was doing it behind everybody's back.  I felt false sense of fulfillment.  A false sense of achievement.  The first was followed by second and countless numbers  of sticks and  packets of cigarettes.  Half of my dinner/snack money was spent buying cigarettes.  I was doing this without my mum and dad's knowledge.

My smoking habbit has been stopped when I entered college.  Well, I should say regulated coz I did have some occasionally. It was only because we were not allowed to smoke.  I was illegal.  School's policy. It was in the handbook.  Breaking it only meant one thing.  Severe punishments.  (if you got caught, you will atleast have to do  some explaining through PUBLIC APOLOGY.)

College life is over so as the rules, the handbook and the threat of punishments.  The illegal becomes legal.  The hidden, can be revealed now.  I can smoke without hiding at the "veranda" in late nights. I could smoke infront of my dad and mum now.  And there It was, the old habbit came back in full blown.  I was inhaling like a chimney. 

In 2001, my dad was diagnose with tumor in his lungs.  He was advised for treatment and medications.  But my dad's commitment in his job and his love for smoking pushed him to refuse the doctor's sdvise.  He wanted to convince himself that he wasn't ill.  He was strong and fit, able to do what he wanted to do.  My dad was stubborn and hard headed.

In my silence, I knew for a fact that my dad was seriously ill.  He was caughing blood all the time.  I caught him loads of times washing his handkerchiefs just to hide the bloods from us.  He was on denial.  He was probably scared too but didnt want to show that to me and to the rest of the family or maybe he was thinking the cost of his medication as well.  Surely It won't be cheap, even he worked twice as hard it wont even cover the hospital charges and doctor's fees.  I think that was his main concern.  I must admit, If I were in his shoes I would have done the same.  With 11 kids 3 of them were in college, 4 in high school, and some more in elementary, I'm sure he was thinking these kids first and foremost  before himself.  He made himself a sacrifice.  The moment he decided that he won't be getting the treatment I knew he took that painful journey of death.  But he never complained.  He took them in silence.  And in may 2002,on the month of flowers, my dad bid his goodbye.  A beautiful soul rest in peace.  My dad...a wonderful dad...died with lung cancer!

Then I thought, smoking has never been cool.  It killed my dad and it's  on the process of killing me.  I just didn't realize it or I choose not to.  I ignored that fact for a very long time. 

Eight years has gone since my dad left.  I still miss him. I still believed that he was the best dad ever.  But now, I dont wanna be like him anymore.  I don't want to die at 52.  I don't want to live and die in painful silence.  My son, Adrien, is growing up, I dont want him thinking smoking is "cool".  I don't want him pinching one of my tabs and hiding at the back garden smoking my cigarettes.  I dont want him spending 16 years of his life before he could realize that smoking is not cool at all.  I don't want him to dream to be like me.

At the time this blog is written I am committed as ever to quit smoking.  I started my journey 6 days ago, I know It's hard.  Actually It's harder than I thought It would be.  The cravings are just too much, the headaches, the temper, all of them are just terrible.  My poor wife is getting all of these.  My poor son is getting shouted at more often.  My struggles to control my temper at work.  All of these only for one reason.  I DON'T WANNA BE LIKE MY DAD ANYMORE.  And my dad, wherever he is now, I'm sure 100% he would be proud of me. 

with the help of God's intervening hand.  I will get out of this.  I will stop smoking.