I have suffered so many disappointments in life and I still do. I have often question why is it so hard to live a life the way you wanted it to be.
When I was a child, I grew up in so much hardships and forget to live the life as a child. From the very young age, I thought playing is for rich kids alone. I longed for my father to buy me a toy gun, new toy cars, new kites but it never happened. I made my own version of those things I was longing. I never question my dad because I know he will only say "because we don't have money son, sorry".
I studied with so little support from my parents, maybe because they are so busy feeding 10 more siblings. They have no more time to sit with me and teach me my home works after school. Actually, I myself didn't get to sit on my home work because after school I have to help them preparing all the things they are going to cook the next day. ( My parent used to sell Cassava Cakes, Caramelised young Coconut, banana Q. Etc.) I figured out that it was my obligation to help them because I am the eldest. It is my responsibility. But sadly, my studies were left aside. ( I remember going to school 3 times a week and going to work with my dad for 4 days at very young age of 9.)
Then after so many years I have come to reflect on all my experiences in life, that question of why am I so frustrated in my failures in life? Why is it so hard to sometimes deal with it and move on? Why most of the time I felt so discourage and just pretend nothing had happened? Why am I always looking for someone or something to point my fingers at? These real questions from time to time are confronting me. It is sometimes hard to pretend that yes, they are real in my life and eating me alive. It is actually destroying my being. I was digging myself into a deeper hole and I felt stuck in it. I felt so hopeless.
It is hard when you are 34 and you are looking to yourself and you have not achieved your possibilities in life. It hard to look and watch your contemporaries doing well in their lives. It is hard when you plan something and yet you can't achieve it. It is hard you think you planned your life and it is getting ruined. It is hard.
But looking and evaluating myself from the past experiences in my life, I discovered that it is all because of the way I was brought up. (I am not blaming past now, I have overcome these, thanks God) I have less confidence because I have never been out there doing my own thing. I have always been thinking and helping my family, my parents in particular. I have never played any games when I was a kid, no wonder why I never excel in any sports. I have never been given much responsibility in life, that's why I take responsibilities lightly. I have never felt how to get high grades and good results on my educations, that's why I am no achiever. NO WONDER I HAVE FAILED SO MANY TIME.
I guess, knowing yourself and knowing your past and linking them to your present is vital in rebuilding yourself. It is important that you confront your history because that what makes who we are. It is necessary that we face our old selves and not avoiding them so that we could pick up little broken pieces and make ourselves whole again. Only when we managed to patch ourselves we could get healed. Healing ourselves from the past is opening new doors of the future for us.
I am on my way to rebuilding myself. I am not quite there yet but I am determined to get there in the end. It may take a life time but, I am willing to travel a life time in order to create myself from failures.
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